Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
