So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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