Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
