Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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