u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
