She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
