Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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