i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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