Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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