you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
