I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
