That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
