if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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