I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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