the condom got lost in my hair
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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