my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
