I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
