I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
