she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
