i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
