Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
