dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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