you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Enjoy the penises
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
