like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
