I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
