I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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