You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
