Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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