hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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