Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
