so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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