Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
