I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
