I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
