Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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