when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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