hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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