i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
