Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
