I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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