I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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