i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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