I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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