my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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