Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize