My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
