2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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