I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
