I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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