I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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