If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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