Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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