guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
