the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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